Confessions

I have a lot on my mind this morning about faith, relationships, love, life… At the moment my mind is with the Catholic Church. My aversion to going to church is because either I go and I cry the whole time or I go and feel so uncomfortable I want to vomit. One of the two but lately it’s been this feeling like I need to be with them.

I don’t exactly believe everything the Bible says but spiritually I understand things. I think that’s what bothers me so much, this need for people to tell me how I should feel and what I should think instead of just letting me understand it the way that I do without corrupting my thoughts with things I don’t believe exactly but believe in the way it makes sense to me.

I feel under constant pressure to chose one side. I feel like if I spoke openly about faith that people would call me fake or something else because I believe in more than one thing, that life is this rainbow of color and I like all them and feel all of them so that my feelings are genuine except when it comes to church and belief in a creator. I feel like my atheist friends will berate me because historically, most all of the Bible is not exactly true. Or how can I believe in something that hurts so many people and I think I don’t think we are thinking of the same thing.

I hate having to defend myself against other christians and their versions of the truth or being told that I have it all wrong and I should do things this or that way. I really don’t know what to think, what to believe, who is telling the truth. I couldn’t tell the difference these days because according to everyone, they are all right so they are all telling the truth and my truth is the only wrong one because it doesn’t fit with any of the establishments.

I find myself at times thinking I need a community but today it doesn’t mean anything. It’s like it’s become synonymous with exclusion, that if you are part of this community, you conform and all others are not welcome because that is what a community is. Even all inclusive communities are exclusive to a degree so it’s just irony.

I have been through this duality in my mind so many times it’s like it just erodes me. How can I honor Mother Earth (Mother God) as much as I honor the Father God but also honor that unnamed and unknown one as the ultimate source of all things that are without people just backing the fuck off about having to be right or pointing out the wrong about everything. .

Clearly it’s not hard to see that many people in the world are plainly wrong but can also argue that they do not have to have the same beliefs as myself and no one ever born is actually obligated to anything at all. That people can actually at any time become free from all that oppresses us if we could just do one thing, band together sufficiently enough to put beliefs aside and just say no more to all the government and regions that hold us down with their lies and violence.

How can violence be synonymous with religion but be also the means to which peace and love is always the desired outcome? How does it go so wrong and why should I ever have to feel like I have to be completely one way to be accepted at all? Why can’t I find community where I can talk about all my crazy god beliefs and not feel like I offended someone or that I will be shunned for being neither polytheist or monotheist, to not really believe in the idea that gods and deities are anything more that real people or the idea them but adore them nonetheless. Why can’t I have one all encompassing belief in a Creator God but also believe it doesn’t have a face and it is more like Mother Nature than it is the God of Suffering. And then how do I have the same adoration for the God of Suffering who is the same as Jesus who is the same god who has been given a bazzilion names but ultimately everything that surrounds him is suffering.

I used to think he was the devil. The actual Deceiver but as time goes by I feel that less and less and attribute that phase in my life. To just being angry at the degree of deception in general. For believing that Jesus was supposed to be the one to clear it all up and make things better but always being the one to make things feel worse. That when I think about him, what does he mean, is it the truth… all I feel is suffering and so maybe he is the god of suffering.

So I always feel like if I believe on him and all that that I will suffer for it and I don’t want to suffer for him. I think that defeats the point of his suffering for us. Yet, here we are. A species of perpetual suffering and the core of this “virtue” seems to be him. Would it make more sense about his character if they just said that to begin with, probably. Anyway. Apparently he likes to ask “what do you call me?” Over the years I have called you a lot of things but now I think I know.

I think you are the God of Suffering and that is the whole point of Life, life is suffering and we grow through our pain. I must be as old as Jesus now because I feel like I constantly suffer so I must constantly grow? Does it even matter? Could it all be a great hoax, the greatest lie ever told? Could be and either way I don’t really feel like I can answer that until after death arrives. I really don’t have to believe in any of that to know what I feel being alive.

UGH.

I get so angry all the time. I get so angry that I can still be having this battle in my head because my desire for truth has only lead to more questions that can never be answered and further push me to accept faith as the most reasonable approach to life yet I still have no community. I have been so jaded by people that I feel conflicted between being a community member of something or just keeping to myself. I know both will bring unwelcome feelings so I wonder which unwelcome ones would be better. They both suck.

I jumped on here to get some thoughts off my chest. I just texted my husband how I am really feeling about us and hoping to god that he hears me finally. To just talk about what is actually wrong with our relationship so we can work on fixing it knowing that the most likely outcome is that he will keep ignoring it and ignoring me. IDK. It’s not like I want to leave but it’s also not like I want things to stay this way either. Can’t win.

I feel so mad at the world too. So much violence all the time. So much lying. So much hate, so much suffering and the thing that they all have in common, their core good and bad is Jesus. The Double Edge Sword, the Prince of Peace, the King of the Jews….The muslim faith vs the catholic faith… the one god vs many gods and then only way to mend what’s broken…Jesus.

I mean when you try to see people’s frustration and anger for what it is you know they are suffering. We all suffer with or without Jesus we suffer in some way by some means because this is the world that was created for us. The one that comes with pain because pain is a circumstance of life. We hurt physically, we hurt emotionally, even the happiest people in the world, those with more money than anyone else… those who have nothing and those who have everything, they all suffer the price of life.

Who hasn’t hated someone for their own pain at one time or another because just taking all the pain yourself seems so unfair because you know you wouldn’t do that to yourself for nothing. Why do we always choose to suffer even in our need to find peace and happiness? It’s just a weird life complication to which the writer of the epic saga included suffering because people love to suffer for some reason. It makes them more compassionate but also more dangerous so it’s an interesting tale. Maybe God doesn’t write your role but you choose it and God just watches it play out.

My weirdest though I ever had was what if God is not conscious of his/her/it’s own being and we are all just a projection like the Simulation Theory and we can’t seem to wake God up because God doesn’t know yet that he is alive? I mean I was thinking not too long ago about the 1 day to 1 thousand years thinking, God must life 1 light year away. How far could you travel in 1 day at the speed of light and we end up somewhere in the Orion galaxy. That kind of tripped my own mind out thinking God is just right there just like the ancient Egyptians and the rest of our ancient ancestors have said thousands of years ago. The Devine one comes from Orion. What if??? lol

Anyway. I just needed to get some stuff out of my mind. I feel a little better now that I have gotten all this out of my head. I don’t want to feel ashamed to think these things and I know I cannot talk to anyone about it either because that just invites more anger and suffering and I do that enough already.

Crypto Sucks

Crypto Is For The Elite

The last couple week I have tried to use crypto currency, organize and make changes to help make myself more profitable or searchable. I doubt my efforts are paying off too well since this whole thing was a waste of time and money. I literally lost money just trying to use crypto. If I lost money because of its volatility I would be okay with that. To lose it just trying to figure out how to use it.. fuck that.

The thing is that I was introduced to NTFs and long story short. On Opensea they let you upload art for free. The catch is that you can’t sell unless you pay the “gas” but the gas is very expensive. The caveat is that you only have to pay it once or twice but the cost is ridiculous. The price, however, wasn’t really what turned me the wrong way. It was trying to pay using cryptos.

I have been trading cryptos here and there just for fun on Robinhood. It has paid off for me especially since there aren’t any extra fees or penalties for trading and I can easily get my money back. They don’t have a wallet though and that has always been the issue I have had with cryptos. How can you even use them? What is the point? How to use the wallets.

I ended up getting a Blockchian wallet and added 20$ thinking that THAT would be enough to pay the ‘gas’ to sell my art as NTFs. BUT when I tried it said it cost something like 65$ so I added more money to Blockchain. I had to buy Ether because that’s what Opensea uses to make transactions. I bought the crypto coins without much problem but when I went back to finish what I was doing, the price had gone up to 133$.

Regardless of what the cost was, there was just one more problem. I didn’t have enough money to pay the “miners” fee. The “miners” fee is apparently more than I had in my account. At that point I had 120.00 which wasn’t even enough to send 60$. This essentially meant that it would have cost at least another 60$ to cover miners fees. Since I wasn’t going to be able to do anything with it, I decided I just wanted my money back because I couldn’t figure it out and had lost about 20$ just trying to figure out how to move money between wallets.

Then after I sold my coins at a loss and tried to deposit the money back into my bank account. Turns out I can’t do that either because they have a minimum transaction of 2,500$. So unless I somehow get that much money in there, I lost it all just for trying. Well, it’s not really lost but I can’t do anything with it. So no more of that for me. PLUS it has become super apparent that those things, cryptos, special social media sites…they are for rich people and I am not invited.

Don’t bother…

I mean, it sucks knowing that I am not welcome to those places let alone being barely noticed in my life just for being alive. Or noticed on social media where the highlight of my day seems to be when just a couple people acknowledge my existence. I know it is lame but the world sorta sucks these days. SO I will forget that all together and just do what I know how to do. What makes me happy.

I am happier when I am not focused so much on trying to make my blogs readable according to SEO. Making sentences that sound like “I ate jam on my toast but I really like jelly better” is how 2nd graders write sentences. AND (yes I am aware you do not start a sentence with AND) it’s not the way I talk. No one actually talks like that. Hi, my name is Sandra. For breakfast I had bacon and yogurt. Um.. nope. lol

Anyways. The whole thing turned me off so badly that I basically hate it now. I mean, I hate it because it felt like a trick but I hate it more because I realized I was out of my league. I mean, I like being just normal but they and much of the world make being normal feel out of place.

Robinhood

Speaking of feeling out of place. I joined the Robinhood group on Facebook and the trolls there are just as ruthless as you’d expect. Being trolled every time I post anything at all really sucks. I have since blocked at least 300 people. Not all of them from the Robinhood group but in general because that is how bad it is to me.

My truth and my experience with Robinhood has been good so far. I hope it stays that way because I do think they are trying to democratize the market. I believe them because it is the only way that I have been able trade that has worked out for me. Not all of my personal choices have been good but those are my mistakes not theirs.

Walk

soundcloud.com/sandra-rinck/walk-1

It’s hard to get people to listen to your music BUT whatever right? I just like to write because I never know what I am going to do next.

What’s upsetting is that I cannot even get my friends or family to listen. It makes me wonder if I am one of those people on Americas Got Talent that really have NO talent all but think they do.

I am told that I am very talented, multi-talented even yet it’s incredibly hard to get anyone to take you seriously so it makes me wonder if I suck so bad that people just do that “oh wow, you’re so talented” bit because they don’t want to hurt my feeling or something.

Sigh… Still trying. I still have that dream in the back of my mind.

On Top Of An Anthill

I went for a hike yesterday alone so I could collect my own thoughts and just have some real me time.

I wanted to try a new experiment with Shadow work and it was an extremely emotional hike that I came down the anthill feeling like I came one step closer to really understanding something about myself.

The experiment was something like automatic writing. I really don’t know if I am using the term right for what I was doing BUT whenever I could hear my thoughts penetrating my souls…like thoughts that clearly elicit an emotional response, I wrote them down.

I have not looked at them since writing them down so this will be my first time looking at them with all of you.

In an effort to be truly authentic and really do the work that I KNOW my guides are telling me I need to do, I will omit nothing because I have been learning that the person I show people is strong and confident and the person I hide (my shadow) is extremely sensitive and I always have to take care of her.

With without further rambling. Here it is.

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Here are some pics. I really felt like the Fae were around watching me. I know how crazy that seems since I don’t think I have ever seen one yet these dead trees, they all seemed to look like a creature to me and it felt like they wanted me to know they were there, that somehow, even when along the way it became more silent than I have heard in a long time, that I was not alone on my journey.

At one point the wind came and it seemed as though it was the tree talking to me. It happened at a moment when I was wondering if I should continue or keep going. I went a little further then turned around to head back down.

A funny looking Grasshopper or Cricket. It was my first indication that my guides were with me. The cricket/grasshopper (both) are part of my menagerie so I know when they come around that I need to listen, that there’s a pearl of wisdom waiting for me somewhere.

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Western Jimsom weed (extremely poisonous and fatal)

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Lichen painted rocks. 🧡

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This is apparently the highest peak in the county.

On the way up and when I reached the top. It was really a moment for me. It was a small table on top of a giant anthill. I remember at some point wondering if all mountains were at some point crystal mountains or that when looking at the mesas, how flat the Earth really did look to those who didn’t know any better.

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On the way back down I grabbed a couple more pics. The side of the mountain looked painted to me. I wasn’t able to get a good picture because I didn’t have a tripod or a different camera with me so I get what I get.

And finally, there was a girl that I felt was somehow special. She greeted me on her way down, passing me by but it was how she said it and them she skipped on down the mountain like a fairy. I am not saying she is/was one but I am saying that her presence did make me smile, like a guardian that only needed to be sure I got what I came for.

So that was my journey yesterday. Some call it soul searching, others call it Shadow Work. Whatever you call, it was a good journey for me. I needed it. I needed the time to just be alone and actually collect my thoughts.

If you embark on something similar, I would love to hear about it. Thanks for reading and I know these pics aren’t my greatest works but that’s okay.

🧡 Sandra

Pennyroyal Tea

The name brings to mind a Nirvana song titled Pennyroyal Tea.

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Pic source

:musical_score: “Sit and drink pennyroyal tea

Distill the life that’s inside of me

Sit and drink pennyroyal tea

I’m anemic royalty”.

What I didn’t know back then was that it was probably a reference to Courtney’s baby, Francis Bean and a reflection of Kirk’s feelings toward being a good father.

Anyway. Pennyroyal is used to induce labor, can cause miscarriage and used to aid PMS symptoms as well as bring on mensuration.

However, it used to be called lungwort and was used to suppress coughs and help break a fever by producing sweat.

Pennyroyal Tea

1 teaspoon of dried herb steeped in 8oz of water once a day SPARINGLY. Some suggests that there is no “safe” dosage but it has been used for generations to cause abortions which has also lead to death of some mothers.

Do not take while pregnant! Do not give it to children, infants or pets.

Information sourced from

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Contraindications are sourced from the internet off various sources. While I believe that a cup will heal, too much can kill so use with caution or under the direction of a certified herbalist or ask your doctor.