Confessions

I have a lot on my mind this morning about faith, relationships, love, life… At the moment my mind is with the Catholic Church. My aversion to going to church is because either I go and I cry the whole time or I go and feel so uncomfortable I want to vomit. One of the two but lately it’s been this feeling like I need to be with them.

I don’t exactly believe everything the Bible says but spiritually I understand things. I think that’s what bothers me so much, this need for people to tell me how I should feel and what I should think instead of just letting me understand it the way that I do without corrupting my thoughts with things I don’t believe exactly but believe in the way it makes sense to me.

I feel under constant pressure to chose one side. I feel like if I spoke openly about faith that people would call me fake or something else because I believe in more than one thing, that life is this rainbow of color and I like all them and feel all of them so that my feelings are genuine except when it comes to church and belief in a creator. I feel like my atheist friends will berate me because historically, most all of the Bible is not exactly true. Or how can I believe in something that hurts so many people and I think I don’t think we are thinking of the same thing.

I hate having to defend myself against other christians and their versions of the truth or being told that I have it all wrong and I should do things this or that way. I really don’t know what to think, what to believe, who is telling the truth. I couldn’t tell the difference these days because according to everyone, they are all right so they are all telling the truth and my truth is the only wrong one because it doesn’t fit with any of the establishments.

I find myself at times thinking I need a community but today it doesn’t mean anything. It’s like it’s become synonymous with exclusion, that if you are part of this community, you conform and all others are not welcome because that is what a community is. Even all inclusive communities are exclusive to a degree so it’s just irony.

I have been through this duality in my mind so many times it’s like it just erodes me. How can I honor Mother Earth (Mother God) as much as I honor the Father God but also honor that unnamed and unknown one as the ultimate source of all things that are without people just backing the fuck off about having to be right or pointing out the wrong about everything. .

Clearly it’s not hard to see that many people in the world are plainly wrong but can also argue that they do not have to have the same beliefs as myself and no one ever born is actually obligated to anything at all. That people can actually at any time become free from all that oppresses us if we could just do one thing, band together sufficiently enough to put beliefs aside and just say no more to all the government and regions that hold us down with their lies and violence.

How can violence be synonymous with religion but be also the means to which peace and love is always the desired outcome? How does it go so wrong and why should I ever have to feel like I have to be completely one way to be accepted at all? Why can’t I find community where I can talk about all my crazy god beliefs and not feel like I offended someone or that I will be shunned for being neither polytheist or monotheist, to not really believe in the idea that gods and deities are anything more that real people or the idea them but adore them nonetheless. Why can’t I have one all encompassing belief in a Creator God but also believe it doesn’t have a face and it is more like Mother Nature than it is the God of Suffering. And then how do I have the same adoration for the God of Suffering who is the same as Jesus who is the same god who has been given a bazzilion names but ultimately everything that surrounds him is suffering.

I used to think he was the devil. The actual Deceiver but as time goes by I feel that less and less and attribute that phase in my life. To just being angry at the degree of deception in general. For believing that Jesus was supposed to be the one to clear it all up and make things better but always being the one to make things feel worse. That when I think about him, what does he mean, is it the truth… all I feel is suffering and so maybe he is the god of suffering.

So I always feel like if I believe on him and all that that I will suffer for it and I don’t want to suffer for him. I think that defeats the point of his suffering for us. Yet, here we are. A species of perpetual suffering and the core of this “virtue” seems to be him. Would it make more sense about his character if they just said that to begin with, probably. Anyway. Apparently he likes to ask “what do you call me?” Over the years I have called you a lot of things but now I think I know.

I think you are the God of Suffering and that is the whole point of Life, life is suffering and we grow through our pain. I must be as old as Jesus now because I feel like I constantly suffer so I must constantly grow? Does it even matter? Could it all be a great hoax, the greatest lie ever told? Could be and either way I don’t really feel like I can answer that until after death arrives. I really don’t have to believe in any of that to know what I feel being alive.

UGH.

I get so angry all the time. I get so angry that I can still be having this battle in my head because my desire for truth has only lead to more questions that can never be answered and further push me to accept faith as the most reasonable approach to life yet I still have no community. I have been so jaded by people that I feel conflicted between being a community member of something or just keeping to myself. I know both will bring unwelcome feelings so I wonder which unwelcome ones would be better. They both suck.

I jumped on here to get some thoughts off my chest. I just texted my husband how I am really feeling about us and hoping to god that he hears me finally. To just talk about what is actually wrong with our relationship so we can work on fixing it knowing that the most likely outcome is that he will keep ignoring it and ignoring me. IDK. It’s not like I want to leave but it’s also not like I want things to stay this way either. Can’t win.

I feel so mad at the world too. So much violence all the time. So much lying. So much hate, so much suffering and the thing that they all have in common, their core good and bad is Jesus. The Double Edge Sword, the Prince of Peace, the King of the Jews….The muslim faith vs the catholic faith… the one god vs many gods and then only way to mend what’s broken…Jesus.

I mean when you try to see people’s frustration and anger for what it is you know they are suffering. We all suffer with or without Jesus we suffer in some way by some means because this is the world that was created for us. The one that comes with pain because pain is a circumstance of life. We hurt physically, we hurt emotionally, even the happiest people in the world, those with more money than anyone else… those who have nothing and those who have everything, they all suffer the price of life.

Who hasn’t hated someone for their own pain at one time or another because just taking all the pain yourself seems so unfair because you know you wouldn’t do that to yourself for nothing. Why do we always choose to suffer even in our need to find peace and happiness? It’s just a weird life complication to which the writer of the epic saga included suffering because people love to suffer for some reason. It makes them more compassionate but also more dangerous so it’s an interesting tale. Maybe God doesn’t write your role but you choose it and God just watches it play out.

My weirdest though I ever had was what if God is not conscious of his/her/it’s own being and we are all just a projection like the Simulation Theory and we can’t seem to wake God up because God doesn’t know yet that he is alive? I mean I was thinking not too long ago about the 1 day to 1 thousand years thinking, God must life 1 light year away. How far could you travel in 1 day at the speed of light and we end up somewhere in the Orion galaxy. That kind of tripped my own mind out thinking God is just right there just like the ancient Egyptians and the rest of our ancient ancestors have said thousands of years ago. The Devine one comes from Orion. What if??? lol

Anyway. I just needed to get some stuff out of my mind. I feel a little better now that I have gotten all this out of my head. I don’t want to feel ashamed to think these things and I know I cannot talk to anyone about it either because that just invites more anger and suffering and I do that enough already.

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