Internal Spiritual Conflicts and Agnosticism

I struggle a lot with my spiritual well being.  I find, mostly, that there isn’t a one size fits all religous practice or thought or philosopy that can satisfy my internal spirit.  It woud be so much easier if I could hop on board fully and without doubts to one practice and be zealous in that but the more I read, the further I become to accepting any one principal or god or practice as the right one, the “true” one, so to speak.

I have studied many of them and their denominational perspectives or regional perspectives and found ‘treasures’ in each of them but not enough to convince me that their path is the only way.  For me, it always feels like I like and dislike all of them.  Often I even feel like the whole thing is a farce but then I am confronted by things that are of the “spiritual nature” and I feel confounded.

If I acceptd any of them as the truth, I could easily put it all into a box and say “god” of this relgion is the source but in my mind, what I ‘see’ as god has no face, no real name, no existence that I can put into words or draw on a wall, in a book or in my minds eye.

To me, the “source” is some far off thing that we can never describe because the illusion, so to speak, is that what goes beyond that is always the source so this god of all things that will ever be or has been is always out of reach.  It’s like the Creazione di Adamo by Michelangelo where God is just out of reach.  It exist just beyond reach as if to say that we can be close but we can never be.

We look for answers in everything we do but we are never completely satisfied with the answers we get because we always have more questions as if the Tree of Knowledge is an endless task that perhaps we should have never embarked on in the first place.  That’s not to say that I don’t love to gain more knowledge in everything I do.  Even for me, I feel like I can never be fully satisfied, it’s like a half full cup.  No matter how much you fill it, it can never be filled.

Being impartial to any belief system and constantly delving into religous studies out of curiosity and desire to understand the past and the future, it’s not easy to be pleased with even Buddhist teachings even when those are the ones I feel most kinship and understanding with.

I suppose the idea of monotheism, in the sense that the God of all things, has a name, a location of birth who demands adherents is what turns me away.  Monotheism in the sense of a Natural Creation and fully acknowledging that we can never know this thing as we want to know it via science, philosophy or religion is completely different.  In that sense I can and do accept the conditions of a “one god” being the spark of all that is but in the spiritual sense, why is it so incompatible to associate certain “feelings” with the deities that make the most sense.  Like the Roman or Greek understanding of the Gods?

IF I am feeling like a failure as a mother, why would I ask Jesus for understanding?  He’s not a mother and he never had children so why would I ask for wisdom from him when he wouldn’t know the answer in the sense that a mother would?

But for what I can gleen about Jesus, it seems as though, at least to me, he is the “bearer of grief”.  The dual edge sward that you can hand your burdens to but also the one one that burdens, hence he is the “bearer of griefs”.   In that sense, it is easy for me to express my thoughts to him in an unsolicited way because he’s not there to judge (as they say) but to bear the burdens of all humanity.  So lay it on him.  After all, isn’t that what confession is for?  As a human, I have many burdens, many thoughts and feelings that plague my conscience even when in reality, I have probably done nothing wrong but it’s the ‘original sin’ the one of ‘knowledge’ that builds conflicts and has us questioning even the most logic reason for doing something because in the world that we do live in, what is right to do doesn’t always feel right and things that are right sometimes feel wrong.  So is he the judge?  Perhaps only in the sense that he understand burdens for what they are not what we do.

So to speak of my confussion, it isn’t so much that I cannot see it for what it is worth but the inability of so many others to be openly appreciative of all the aspects of spirituality in ‘fear’ of offending another persons beliefs or being shunned for having a very different appreciation of the ‘gods’ or what spirituality encompasses.

For me, being in touch with my personal spirituality is how I make sense of my “feelings’ in association with my thoughts, how do I handle my feelings and thoughts and make sense of what often doesn’t make sense like; love, hate, jealousy, depression and the void.

Scientist want to explain it away and even though they find evidence to support the idea that love is a chemical, it doesn’t explain and cannot (not to my understanding of it) explain why love is more complicated than just a feeling of adoration that stems from chemicals being released when in the vicinity or thought of another,  it’s more than a “feel good” hormone because love isn’t always a feeling of adoration.

Love can be feelings of fear, anxiety, a general sense of content, it can be the stem of hatred, passion and physically sexual feelings.  The point being is that there is a place for spirituality in my sense of the world and humanity and it feels less complicated than those of super religious or scientific backgrounds make it out to be.

Even my most favored astrophysicist, Neil deGrass Tyson, believes that there is no place for philosophy in the world and even though I still think he is the greatest, I also think he is mistaken.  It doesn’t have to be true for him but to me, all of what we have become as a civilization has become so because the minds of our past pursued their inner thoughts in great depths and used their imaginations to explore the outside world and make sense of us.

Anyway.  I am rambling on as I usually do.  The point of this pointless entry was to get it off my chest that I never know what to believe but I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty in my conscience about the things that I do or want to believe and I wish it was more acceptable to be of the people who are genuinely agnostic.








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