Kids, Truly the World’s Greatest…


So here is the thing.  Do you have kids?  How old are they?  I have a 13 year old.  My little tween, as wonderful as she is, can be such an asshole.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  That wouldn’t be the first time you heard a parent call their kid an asshole or in my case, kids.

The other day my lil’ one was playing a game called Roblox and I don’t know what gets into her when she is playing that game but I SWEAR, some of these games are like drugs to kids.  I let her play on the weekends when she doesn’t have anything else she has to do.  This weekend you can not guess what happened.

Go ahead, try and guess!  I will wait.  Of course waiting when you can just skip ahead is really pointless.  So anyways, she is playing this game for like five hours (I am a bad mom. Que Game of Thrones, “Shame, shame, shame”) and at around 9:00 I wanted to go to my room to watch tv.  Not too long after I hear her call me from the bathroom.

“Ma-OM… I have to tell you something.”  What’s that? “I accidently peed on the floor”.  I am thinking that she missed the toilet a little bit.  I don’t think that is too unheard of for a seven year old.  Then she tells me she peed on the kitchen chair.

I was livid.  Like what?  How does a seven year old have an “accident” at the kitchen table?  By this age, accidents only happen when you’re out and about and they tell you last minute they have to pee and you don’t make it on time or something.  But in her case, she was so involved in the game that she couldn’t put it down long enough to go to the bathroom so she peed right there.  YES!

Of the other asshole things my seven year old has done, at the top of the list of things is one that would have, could have gotten me beat up.  Before I proceed, you have to understand the mind of a four year old.  This happened when she was about 4.  In the mind of a four year old who watches cartoon, things that are black are considered evil.  The villains wear black etc., and good people wear pink or white or some other pastel “nice” color.

So one day I am at the gym and I take her to the daycare, when we are leaving there is a black woman sitting in a chair near the entrance.  She walked up to the lady.  And for as stubborn and unruly as she is, she is still kind in her core.  I have to emphasize that we are NOT racist and things like that hadn’t even come up at any point before this moment.

She walked up to this lady and she said, I shit you not.  She said, “I don’t like your color”.  I nearly had my own accident at that moment.  I wouldn’t even know how to explain that.  I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed and I didn’t bother to make a thing of it, I just grabbed her and beat feet.  If that woman wanted to punch my lights out, I seriously wouldn’t blame her for that.  *facepalm*  Yes.  That is the most embarrassing and messed up thing my kids have done to me yet!  And yes, I do know that’s what she meant because I had to ask about it.  Ever try to explain why that’s not appropriate to a 4 year old?  This is not an easy task.

These things tend to stress me out like the time we were at Khol’s and we were walking by the purse section and she goes, “Mom, I want you to stop beating me now.”  The lady standing behind one of the display stands gave me the nastiest look.  I was like, “No, seriously, I don not beat my kids”.  Um, how do you explain that anyway? She meant to beat like in a race?

Then my tween.  Good god!  Hormones I guess.  This otherwise perfect kid for all the years leading up to and the reason I thought having a second kid would be fun (come on it will be fun, they said) does a 360 and everything out of her mouth is judgmental and or snot-faced.  For instance, I responded to a question she asked.  Instead of being like, oh okay or having some sort of dialog.  Her eyes turned red and I think some horns started to protrude from her head and she went bat shit crazy, “DON’T LOOK AT ME!  I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT ME!” And then I had to retaliate, “You’re talking to me so I am looking at you because that’s what people do when someone is talking to them”! WTF?  Not sure if all people do that but I was brought up to look at people when they are talking to you.

Things like this happen all the time.  I am afraid to say anything to her.  If I say she smells, because she does because she’s  13 and 13 year olds have body odor that reminds me of roast beef which I sorta hate now because of it.  She’ll tell me that I am rude.  Then I get to tell her that her odor is rude.

But those things are expected, what I didn’t expect was one night she had a friend over.  This is a new friend.  At some point, unfortunately, her besties start to drift apart a little bit and they start making new friends.  So this new friend stays the night and I guess she is alright.  I don’t really know her and she seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me.  My own daughter doesn’t want to either anymore so I guess (eye roll) I accept that.

Anyway, so besides her need to keep dropping curse words left and right, something that I am pretty lenient on even if I do have to tell her to watch her fucking mouth, she and her friend are laughing and having fun.  I like that because she’s been very meh and making me wonder if she’s about to journey down the goth isle at the store, and so they are doing their thing and I say something.  Yes, I think I am being you know, cool and stuff and she mocked me.

But it wasn’t the funny kind of mock.  It was the kind that hurt a little but ultimately it just pissed me off because it was beyond rude and not even close to the kind of sarcasm I have brought her up on.  It was flat out disrespectful and when it comes to respect, I am not so lenient but instead of going ape shit mom crazy on her in front of her friend, I complained to my husband because I was about to rip her head off.  Tweenage hormones or not, that is NOT COOL!

And not only that, she likes to pride herself on how non-judgmental she is and how pro-equality and loving everyone on the planet and accepting them exactly how they are (something that even I am proud of her for) somehow manages to be such an asshole to me.  She thinks my hair looks stupid.  She doesn’t like my shoes.  I am not allowed to have an opinion on her attire.  PHEW!  It’s like that folks and for the most part, I chalk it up to her wanting to become her own person and all that good tweenage stuff but it is not easy to keep cool and I do lose my shit sometimes.  But…

I got this! This morning she mentioned that she liked a song on the radio.  She proceeded to tell me that it’s “like one of the only songs that she likes that other people like too”.  At this point in her life, I do get that she is all about being her own unique person even when it get’s a little old that she has to tell me how much of one she is.  SO, I almost said something like, “Oh, do you want to get that song” or “I like it too”, but I held me tongue because I know that if I did, it would ruin it for her and she would hate it just like every other song I liked too, she now hates.

It’s not easy to know where to draw that line and not to be an asshole myself but sometimes I do need to crack that whip, so to speak.  I don’t actually crack any whips on my kids- I felt obligated to say that because some people take these things literally-  And then it turns into a fight of sorts.  They’re mostly short lived because I still rule the house but I have to tell you, this shit makes me feel old.  It will wear you down and just when you think you’re patience has run out, you end up with more. So you proceed.

All the stuff my mom said I did to her that turned her hair grey… Guess what, mine is too, too.  Then I find myself thinking about being 20-something again being free to do whatever I want and feeling like life is too short and by the time these ones are out of my house, they will have broken me down to an old crotchety bitch!

Kids. On the one hand, having a new baby makes you feel young and useful like you have a purpose.  They can shit on you and while you’re gagging, you’ll still feel like that was the greatest shit that ever happened to you.  Those nights when you didn’t get any sleep, all the barf, when they tell your neighbor’s kid that she is a murderer for eating meat, when you get a call from the school because your daughter punched a boy because he wouldn’t leave her alone (not mad about that btw), all the tantrums, the genuine tears that break your heart right along with their own… all of it feels okay.  At least to me but then…

But then they start to become their own people.  And although I would never leave my kids and will spend the rest of my somewhat almost young years making sure to keep them in check so they don’t get beat when they leave, the shit they do makes you want to pull your hair out.  Tweens, ugh.  Those days when it was fun to dance in public, done, gone.  It’s “totally embarrassing”.  They will no longer tell you they love you when you’re anywhere near where other kids might be.

The idea of you is a bane to their existence unless, of course, they need you which is all the time because they don’t have jobs or cars but they “hate” you when you have them do things like chores, make them go to bed, brush their teeth, do their homework, get off the Play Station or iPad or whatever they’re on at the moment.  They yell at you, they slam doors or try to anyways (muhahahaha) and they make an art of deceiving you.

Eventually you catch on.  Sometimes too late but nonetheless, it becomes a job that is seriously under appreciated.  Still, of all that they still amuse me. That’s what makes it bearable, that and I freakin’ love them to pieces which is funny because if you asked me at any time when these not so fun things are happening, I might say something like, “Want um?  I will sell them to you for a buck.”

In all seriousness though, kids really are the greatest.  They amuse me to no end.  I am not saying have kids but if you do have kids or want to have kids, I couldn’t think of any better ‘job’ in the world and I HOPE that I am doing an okay job at it.  I am told that I am a good mom and that is always helpful even when I do something that I wish I hadn’t like yell at them because it’s hard.

And it IS hard because these are the little humans you will be sending off into the world and you always, always, always question whether or not you did the right thing, said the right thing, made the right analogy, did you explain it right, will they be okay if I let them go off by themselves to the park or store, will they treat others with decency and respect, will they choose to be kind when I am not looking… would they be okay without me?

Kid’s suck! But they are also the best part of my life.


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